I remember walking down the aisle thinking, it's OK, I can always get a divorce. I knew I wasn't attracted to him, but I thought it was normal not to feel anything. I got married young, at 20, to a friend, because that's what everyone did. ‘I’ve never had a type of man – because I didn’t fancy any.' Photograph: Steve Schofield Rebecca Jayne, 38, realised that she was gay after her second marriage ended Where The God Of Love Hangs Out, by Amy Bloom, is published by Granta, priced £10.99. We're not ready for the bouquet of humanity – for now, we can stand only two dismal flowers: one blue, one pink. We want sons who are kind and honourable, but not so much so that they'll be mocked. We want our daughters to be comfortable with themselves, their intelligence and their bodies, but not so comfortable that no boy asks them out on a date. When I started dating again after the end of my first marriage, the person sitting across the table from me always knew – Jew, writer, bisexual, near-sighted mother of three – by the second date.) In our modern silliness, boxing, rugby-playing, good-with-a-hammer guys have to hide their gayness women have to conform to a certain mysterious ideal that allows them to succeed, but not without some required simpering.
(In an ideal world, it shouldn't be hard to give prospective husbands and wives heads up about ourselves. It's the world we live in that makes it hard for gay men and women to face their homosexuality and to hope that, in marrying their best friend, they have vanquished their other desires. I can imagine that a woman might want to marry either of these men. We have walked through a lot of places hand-in-hand and happily. I also have a Gay Boyfriend: handsome, charming, brilliant on my hair colour and my essays, a little younger than me. On a few occasions, he has acted the part of my husband so convincingly, we were both a little surprised. My Gay Husband: a distinguished gentleman, a little older than me and capable of not only making me laugh myself sick, but also of helping me choose a dress and fix a paragraph. I have two gay men in my life with official titles. This is a lovely bond between people it doesn't require sexual attraction and it neither precludes nor requires long-term attachment. (A lot of gay men who marry women feel this way towards their wives there may be a lot of women who wouldn't mind a husband like that, especially if they knew – before the wedding – that there wouldn't be much sex.) There is also the bond of romantic attachment these are people with whom all the accoutrements of romance feel so right: the cosy table in the corner, the sweet text message as you sit through a dull meeting. These people are described as your best friend and you would willingly raise their kids and, if you had to, give them a kidney. Then there are people whom you just love – deeply, permanently and not necessarily sexually. Sexual attraction can bring together two people who have almost nothing in common except what takes place between the sheets see most young marriages.
There are three powerful bonds between people and, for better and for worse, they often operate separately, rather than together: sexual attraction, long-term attachment and romantic yearning. Weekly sex will be OK, as long as passion is not required. No woman says: I want to have children soon and I am too conventional/cautious/career-oriented to do it by myself. No man says: I do, mostly because your money will allow me to become a successful businessman. Whatever the reason, it's certainly not because it's not happening.īut why should we have such illusions about marriage anyway? There are many things spouses choose to keep secret, and homosexuality is just one of them. Perhaps they aren't as ready to share their hurt. (You would not think a lot of men, confronted with a log of their hours spent on, succeed in convincing their wives that this is a common, heterosexual male way to spend an afternoon, but apparently they do.) There aren't as many websites for men left by gay wives. The top warning signs? Possession of homosexual pornography and evidence of visits to homosexual porn websites. A quick browse on the internet will reveal plenty of websites with names such as My Husband Is Gay and Gay Husbands/Straight Wives, with checklists for worried wives. I 'm not sure why we should be shocked when someone ends a marriage and comes out of the closet.